September 6, 2008: Mythological Beasts They Never Showed You In School September 6, 2008

In today’s feature, The Porch is proud and a little dizzy to present you with “Mythological Beasts They Never Showed You In School”: the proverbial skinny behind some ridiculous creatures that never showed up in a Disney movie, but were nevertheless actually conceived and recorded by a human being. Nothing here is made up—every myth comes straight from reliable sources extracted from Google and listed at the bottom of the page. We, in turn, pledge to accurately describe each beast, and proclaim whether or not its existence is probable and legitimate. So let’s dip back, as they say, and take a look…at the world…of mythological beasts



Lamb Tree


The Lamb Tree is a mythological creature which is half-plant half-lamb. It grows from a small tree, the crest of which connects with the animal at the navel like an umbilical chord. From this position, the lamb is able to graze on the vegetation of and around its mother plant as it matures—I imagine there is some rocking back and forth involved as well—but dies upon exhausting its limited food supply. It is said that the Lamb Tree, also known as the Barbary Lamb, was a staple of the 14th-Century imaginary Middle Eastern diet, as no one ever seemed to question its honey-tasting blood and fish-like flesh. The Lamb Tree population was also decimated by wolves in the late 1300’s, who I suppose just sort of would look for a Herd Forest and live there the rest of their lives.


The actual existence of the Lamb Tree is still widely debated. By today’s standards, the Lamb Tree was a horribly designed creature, and very slow to evolve. Some believe that there are still wild Lamb Tree populations in the islands off the shore of Northwest Africa, that there indeed may be plantations there in which the mythological crop is cultivated. Others, though, are pretty convinced that the Lamb Tree is cotton, and that explorers of the Middle Ages were atrocious biologists.



Bonnacon


The Bonnacon is a mythological creature resembling the modern bison—with horns curved in toward one another so as to invalidate their function, and a thick hide of dragon-like body armor. Hunted across Asia for its meat and pelt, the Bonnacon’s only source of defense was the emission of dung, which could reach up to 3/8 of a mile and set ablaze everything in sight. It was also reported to have foul breath.


The Bonnacon is almost certainly the product of a hypothetical hunter’s really bad experience with a bison and subsequent front for his boys. However, every year across Mongolia and Southwest China there are dozens of forest fires that go unexplained. The Bonnacon has also been referred to as the Bonasus.



Ant-Lion


The Ant-Lion, is yet another ill-conceived animal. Half-lion (the pretty half), half-ant, and with genitalia which may or may not “be the wrong way,” the ant-lion is voracious predator that cannot digest its own kill, and quickly perishes. Ant-Lions often suffered from self-loathing, schizophrenic disorders, and irony.


Unfortunately, the Ant-Lion is neither creatively named nor a real creature. Such a beast would have surely spelled imminent destruction for all the Serengeti and beyond. Instead, however, it stands as an icon of nature’s stubborn, but fortunate refusal to compromise, and to birth a monster that would wipe out us all and look so crazy doing it.



Catoblepas


The Catoblepas is an actual mythological artifact described as a four-legged bull-like creature with an oversized head, which is so heavy that the animal perpetually looks downward. It is said to have red, blood-shot eyes which are generally concealed by a mane but become lethal when focused upon a target. The Catoblepas also protects itself by exhaling noxious breath—much like the Bonnacon—which it acquires from the consumption of poisonous plants. Definitely a dangerous, albeit lazy-looking animal.


Is the Catoblepas a myth? Actually, many today believe the animal originally thought to be the Catoblepas is the gnu of Eastern Africa, but come on: blood-shot eyes; long, shaggy hair; poisonous plants…we all went to high school with that guy. The Catoblepas is real, yo. Trust.



Manticore


The Manticore was a cheerful hybrid of unparalleled sorts—with the body of a lion, the head of a man, and the tail of a scorpion. All right, so it wasn’t that weird, but think twice before casting this dude in Simba’s Return. Sources depict the Manticore as having “a triple row of teeth, and a voice like a ‘small trumpet,’ or like, ‘the united sound of a pipe and a trumpet’.” In the 1930’s, a string of massacres in South France jazz clubs were initiated by Manticores, all of which were immediately circumcised and deported.


The Manticore is real, but was hunted to extinction in the early 1980’s. The last-seen living Manticore was in San Francisco in 1977. I think he was a dish washer at an A&W.



Gulon


The Gulon is a legendary beast and notorious symbol of gluttony. It is described as being the size and shape of a dog, but with the head of a cat, and long, dark fur. Unique to this creature was its irrational eating habits, which included gorging itself on food—likely ice cream and quesadillas—until it was swollen to many times its normal size. At this point, it would squeeze itself between two trees to “expel” the contents of its stomach, whereupon it would continue eating without even washing its hands.


Evidence shows that the Gulon is indeed an actual creature, although it is allegedly nowhere near as cute as the artist’s rendition shown on the right. It is terrifying and ferocious, although in the company of humans it is usually tame and watches Bravocontently, but obviously things can get really awkward when it… you know…
No type of courtesy.



Whether actual living breathing beings or the fanciful device of frightened and starving invaders from centuries before, myths give us all something tangible and scintillating: the chance to inflame the imagination, and to set sail on the fresh-water oceans of possibility. It is why we all should study and embrace the works of fiction and cinema, and appreciate the capability of nature and the human mind.



http://www.eaudrey.com/myth/
http://bestiary.ca/beasts/beastalphashort.htm
http://www.unexplained-mysteries.com/forum/lofiversion/index.php/t57664.html
http://www.geocities.com/z_mythica/creatures/b/barbary_lamb.html
www.wikipedia.com